I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
