being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
