Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize