This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
