Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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