It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
ugly people sure do ruin things
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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