I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize