I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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