it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
