I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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