my phone needs a breathalizer
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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