RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
