I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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