Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize