You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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