i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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