She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize