i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
