The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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