i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
