I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
