Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
