you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
