He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
