At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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