My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize