I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
