Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
