I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
