why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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