3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
