Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
