I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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