your parents love me but you hate me
Sober January is a disaster.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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