I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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