So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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