happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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