my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
