i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
