I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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