I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
