I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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