All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
