please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
