i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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