who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
