I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
