my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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