I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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