just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
