My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
