The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
