i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
do herpes really smell.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
