Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Randomize
