I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
