were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am one with the molecules
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
