Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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