So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
