you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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