I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize