Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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