I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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