shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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