You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize