Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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