Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
