he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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